Relationships, Emotions & Horsemen
We have been thinking and talking, as we do. It is so great to see informative and empowering content getting shared on social media at the moment around relationships; intimate relationships, platonic relationships, healthy relationships, relationships with ourselves and relationships with others. So good!
Buckle up, this is a blog you might want to bookmark to read, share and reread when you need to.
WORDS MEAN SOMETHING
We have also been seeing some big words thrown around, narcissist, gas-lighting. Sound familiar?
It seems we are having a moment for these terms. And that’s great! Let’s shed light on these words and their gravitas. But let’s take them seriously.
A sobering post from psychotherapist Seerut Chawla on Instagram really got us thinking about the language we use when we talk about relationships.
Brilliant!
So, let’s go a little deeper, let’s give these words the respect they deserve and not throw around words like burnt or traumatised, when possibly we are just tired and upset.
There are some great accounts on Instagram, and we learn so much about ourselves from their posts.
But here is your reminder - Instagram is not therapy. Let’s say that again a little louder - stop using Instagram as therapy.
EMOTIONS ARE BIG
To quote Karla McClaren, award-winning author, social science researcher, workplace consultant, and empathy expert:
“All emotions are useful. If you can approach them with care and ask them the right questions, there aren’t any “bad” emotions”.
Every emotion has a specific function, and all of them are important and instructive. Some very intense emotions (such as hatred and panic), which she calls the “raging rapids” emotions, need to be handled with care, but in most normal cases, you can understand and work with your emotions on your own.
Not sure where to start when understanding emotions. That’s ok, it’s a big topic! Check out Karlas Emotional Vocabulary List for super clear emotional descriptors.
Once you have had a read through and bookmarked the list, come back here, because we want to dive deeper again (we know, another layer!) into something you may have heard of before, but we think is particularly important to revisit. The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse in a relationship setting.
THE FOUR HORSEMEN
Ok you are going to have to come along for the ride on this one. We know, the name Four Horsemen is a little strange and very gendered. Neigh.
What does it have to do with relationships?
Here is a little background. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor depicting the end of times in the New Testament. They describe conquest, war, hunger, and death respectively. The Gottman Institute uses this metaphor to describe communication styles that, according to their research, can predict the end of a relationship.
The Four Horsemen are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
The presence of these four predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy if the behaviour isn't changed. So, what can you do?
We are not even going to attempt to paraphrase the Gottman Institutes excellent work so here in their own words is an explanation of each communication style:
Criticism
The first horseman is criticism. Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize. The important thing is to learn the difference between expressing a complaint and criticizing.
Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”
Criticism: “You never think about how your behaviour is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!”
If you find that you and your partner are critical of each other, don’t assume your relationship is doomed to fail. The problem with criticism is that, when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen to follow. It makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into an escalating pattern where the first horseman reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity, which eventually leads to contempt.
Contempt
The second horseman is contempt. When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.
Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them: “You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river. I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic?”
Research even shows that couples that are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illness (colds, the flu, etc.) than others due to weakened immune systems! Contempt is fuelled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner—which come to a head when the perpetrator attacks the accused from a position of relative superiority.
Defensiveness
The third horseman is defensiveness, and it is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, and this horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.
Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes:
Question: “Did you call Betty and Ralph to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”
Defensive response: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”
This partner not only responds defensively, but they reverse blame in an attempt to make it the other partner’s fault.
Instead, a non-defensive response can express acceptance of responsibility, admission of fault, and understanding of your partner’s perspective: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. That’s my fault. Let me call them right now.”
Although it is perfectly understandable to defend yourself if you’re stressed out and feeling attacked, this approach will not have the desired effect. Defensiveness will only escalate the conflict if the critical spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner, and it won’t allow for healthy conflict management.
Stonewalling
The fourth horseman is stonewalling, which is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive manoeuvres such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviours.
It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out,” but when it does, it frequently becomes a bad habit. And unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a result of feeling physiologically flooded, and when we stonewall, we may not even be in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally.
If you feel like you’re stonewalling during a conflict, stop the discussion and ask your partner to take a break: “Alright, I’m feeling too angry to keep talking about this. Can we please take a break and come back to it in a bit? It’ll be easier to work through this after I’ve calmed down.”
Then take 20 minutes to do something alone that soothes you—read a book or magazine, take a walk, go for a run, really, just do anything that helps to stop feeling flooded—and then return to the conversation once you feel ready.
If you haven’t already bookmarked this blog, you might want to now! Thank you Gottman Institute for walking us through the Four Horsemen.
WHAT’S THE ANTIDOTE?
OK so now we know what the Four Horsemen are, there must be a way to move forward.
What can we actually do?
Great question, ever heard of an antidote? You know, like in Narnia how Lucy heals people with that special potion. Or like in any superhero movie?
What’s the antidote for the horsemen? It sounds made up, but it’s for real!
Antidotes are probably a whole other blog, but you can get up to speed in this blog by the Gottman Institute.
In the meantime, The Self Space have a fab summary about the four horsemen and antidotes.
Trust us, we are aware of the irony of short pity summaries, but here we are.
LEARN TO FIGHT RIGHT
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. Alex Trkulja from The Pleasure Centre has a fantastic blog full of tips on how to fight right. Spoiler, it’s not about winning. Getting better at fighting means getting better at communicating. And you know how much we go on about communication at Caddyshack. It’s #1.
There must be something in the number four, because Alex lays out four communication mistakes that we are all susceptible to making and how we can get better!
soften your start-up
Start the conversation gently, respectfully and without the four horsemen.
send and receive repair attempts
This helps to de-escalate tensions and allow everyone to be more receptive to finding a solution.
Soothe yourselves
Just like Gottman was talking about earlier, take a break to regulate yourself and calm down. Focus on the positive of the relationship. This is not the time to ruminate over what was said.
Accept influence
An important part of communication with partners is allowing yourself to be influenced by them. Be open to suggestions to do or manage things differently.
So now you know.
It takes time, it takes work. But it is worth it!
Listen your emotions, use words wisely, understand the four horsemen and learn to fight (and communicate) better.
No matter the relationship, it’s time to be better.
WHAT WE’RE LOVING RIGHT NOW
Keeping the number four going, Martha Beck’s book The Way of Integrity presents a four-stage process that anyone can use to find integrity, and with it, a sense of purpose, emotional healing, and a life free of mental suffering.
Integrity and being in harmony with ourselves is the key to a meaningful and joyful life.
Big call, right?!
Give it a read yourself!
You can find our review on our What We’re Reading webpage.